Insanity

is a word that I feel describes me this past week or so.

I feel differently. I sound differently. I see differently.

None of these are to imply that this "different" is a pleasant one. It is more like a scary, dark, sad different. It's like watching a movie of your life after you live it, knowing you can't change a thing.

I feel my heart finally opening up again, and immediately I wish to snap it shut, lock it away, and hide the key. I went so long not truly feeling that I can't just feel without reserve. At least, not yet. It's like this little man in my head begging me to crawl inside myself and forget about deep, true emotion.

I feel myself becoming colder every day. "Emily, we don't need you, just stay home." "Emily, you're a b*tch." "Emily, what is wrong with you? Can't you be happy?" "Emily.Tell.Me.What.Is.Wrong." Am I supposed to get warm fuzzys? It's too much. It's not enough.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not just rambling on about how awfully I feel towards my life, I'm speaking for every life. It's negative. It's pessimistic. It's unpleasant. It's often faked.