Unexpected Beauty

comes with unexpected obnoxiousness.

Yesterday, life was obnoxious. Today, life is grand. How does that happen? Ok, maybe grand is a stretch. Considerably improved from yesterday. Anyways, I didn't make this blog to ramble on about how awesome or awful my days are because no one cares. I don't care.

What is God? Who is God? Where is God? Why is God? When is God?

I cannot answer these questions, although I feel they must have an answer if so many feel Him. I, sadly, and scarily, do not feel him. Perhaps, I'm not trying hard enough. I don't actually believe that, but not because I necessarily think I am trying hard enough. Mostly because I don't feel that I should need to strain to feel Him. It doesn't look to be something you overexert yourself in doing.

At one time, I felt God. At least, I am almost sure I did. It's like when you have an uber realistic dream, wake up, a few days later wonder if it was in fact a dream or real life. I mean, I've felt God, but it's been so long ago that I am beginning to think (or perhaps delving into the idea) I imagined it.

I know, I know..."It's the devil."

I don't KNOW that. I don't feel CERTAIN of that.

I'm honestly not setting out or even wishing to disprove that everything I've been taught is wrong. Because, let's pretend that was actually the case. What a disappointment. What a loss of purpose (or at least, believed, learned, purpose).

I do, however, need answers. Reasons. Explanations.

How did the writers of the Bible so conveniently know the other writers were writing a Bible ("Hey Peter! Yo, you're scribbling down a Bible as it comes to you, too? No way!")? And I don't ask that to imply that I don't think it is God's word. I ask that to figure out the HOW it came together. How do I make myself believe something I can't see and can't find answers for? I'm not trying to read too far into it, but I do need to read far enough to see for myself that God is real and is unbelievably amazing. I long to feel God. I long to have the joy and happiness people proclaim that only He can provide. I think I felt this at one time. I think. I think.